


Silhouette of Thyself

by Akinasky



Series: Silhouette of Thyself [3]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Daniel Jackson/Jack O'Neill Friendship, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-11 22:18:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7909714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akinasky/pseuds/Akinasky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daniel Jackson has been returned to Jack O'Neill and the rest of the SGC only it looks like the only memories he regained were of Sha're, what if he never regains them. What will he do?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bring Him Home

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story that is written as an homage to Pantherslair1 who recently had their website shut down and I wanted their story back so I am writing a similar one. I will not be taking everything over, I am letting this story just happen but it was meant as tribute to one of the greatest Jack/Daniel writers I have ever had the pleasure of reading.
> 
> Still a Jack/Daniel story.... I hope you enjoy.

Arrom—or rather Daniel as he’d been told more times than he can count watched as the Stargate came to life and wondered again if he should have come back here. He wondered with no memory of the people who claimed him as friend and team member, why he would trust any of them. Then why had he trusted any of them on that stupid mission? Death defying was something he did and actually liked doing? He didn’t have that memory or feeling at all.

He had easily agreed to walk through the Gate when it had been down to the wire and he had the chance to help his team, possibly to regain some semblance of his past but now he had no interest in traveling through the thing. He worked in his office, glad to have the Ancient language in his mind and little inklings to others if his staff is to be believed, but wondering now if there was a chance that the rest of it would never return. He didn’t know if he cared about that or not, it seemed as though from his readings that Doctor Daniel Jackson was a workaholic without anything beyond the SGC and his team.

But he did wonder if the rest of them would ever accept that it wasn’t returning. Did he have a place here if it didn’t or would he be sent back to Vis Uban and his little tent again?

It was as though he was half a person to the people in this base without the rest of his memories and his education and they were all still waiting for the other half to return. He’d seen the degrees shoved into some of the paperwork that Jack and the others had saved and wondered if he could ever really be anything without the facts to back up those pieces of paper.

He attempted to fill the otherwise empty well of his mind by looking at the old mission reports, searching files and relearning names so he wouldn’t trip over them in the hallways, people stopped looking at him like his was a pathetic creature that used to be Doctor Daniel Jackson as long as he continued to relearn the world he’d once known. It became easier to lie, even by omission as it was than to tell the truth. The only ones who knew him well enough to tell were General Hammond, the doctor Janet Frasier, Major Samantha ‘We were just good friends really’ Carter, Teal’c and Colonel Jonathan “Jack” O’Neill. He tried to avoid the infirmary because Janet always looked equally sad and content at his return, it was something he wondered, if he hadn’t been involved with Sam, then maybe Janet but she hadn’t said anything and he wasn’t interested in her it seemed so he hoped it wasn’t true. General Hammond gave him space but he could see the gratitude that possibly his Flagship team would return to the way it was before and of course, no one was willing to keep Jonas even if Daniel never regained anything else, Daniel didn’t understand that though, he had seemed like a nice guy. He remembered that scene in the Gate Room when he told Jonas he’d remembered something and he hadn’t so the man could leave without a lot extra guilt, after everyone had gone their own way Jack walked over and whispered close to his ear, making Daniel shiver at the feeling, “You don’t have to lie? We’re just glad you’re home.”

Daniel stared at him, shocked that the man knew him well enough to tell the difference and he got caught for a second in those brown eyes before they quickly moved away from each other, he gave a single nod and though Jack had heard him spin more lies since then, he’d never said another word.

But that didn’t change the fact that they knew somehow that he was still just Arrom; barely answering to the name they declared had once belonged to him. It was a name that carried so much to the people around him, and it was relentlessly frustrating for it to mean nothing to him. It was his name after all. It was hard to be in the same room with them, pasting on the happy face that he’d assumed as just another part of his uniform when he went to work. He remembered Sha’re, her name and that she had been his wife but nothing else. He remembered the Ancient language and nothing else. He had just over three months of life under his belt, a mint-condition body without a road map of scars and nothing to tell him of all the places that were empty in his mind except feelings every once in a while.

As he learned more about the treasured Doctor Jackson though, he wondered if he really wanted to. The loss of Sha’re, the destruction of Abydos, countless deaths and awful things that happened during missions and it had left Daniel with one firm idea, Daniel Jackson had a tough life and he just kept on going and getting hurt and working. It was filled with sadness, destruction and friends, there was nothing and no one after Sha’re, it was as if he had just stopped living but Daniel also understood that it’s possible he just hadn’t learned of a relationship yet but if he really had been missing for a year and suddenly returned, then that person probably would have beat everyone to get to Daniel first so it seemed there was nothing.

“Which mission report are you reading now?” said Jack from the door of his office and he looked up with a tilted eyebrow instead of answering. There was no point, Jack didn’t want an answer he was just here to pester Daniel into eating some lunch like the man always did it seemed.

“Something about you being stuck in Antarctica with Sam, I don’t know why I’m reading it, there isn’t anything here that would jog my memory of events I experienced.”

“Maybe that’s why?” Jack asked gently, far more gently than Daniel had ever heard him speak. Jack snapped and snarked at people, even the General, leaving Daniel confused about the hierarchy of the military as it stood in the base at least. Jack didn’t not talk like that to people leading Daniel frowning as he wondered if he would ever be more than this fragile broken person to these people and this man who felt that they had to speak softly around him.

“Why what?” he asked, sticking to the easy part, the literal words of the statement instead of demanding Jack stop treating him like that.

“If I was trying to remember myself to no avail after weeks of reading files and missions I would stop wanting to read the damn things. Did you get a clean bill from the Doc?”

Daniel frowned, and then snorted at the quick change in conversation since it seemed like this was just Jack being Jack who was one of the people that Daniel sometimes had a sense of something at the back of his mind but it never made any sense so he normally ignored the feeling. He answered with a snort, “You were there when it happened. I can’t go anywhere because I don’t have an identity which means I can’t get a place off base or drive a car which I seem to know how to do despite the disgusting lack of memories of the rest of my life.”

“Well you don’t need an identity to come and sleep in my guestroom and we can just carpool until you get the rest of your paperwork figured out. It might do you some good to get out of here. I know Hammond is working on getting your money back to you from the last year, they didn’t know what to do with it and we all hoped in our own ways. I know your good for it, just leave this place and see what else is out there to see. Who knows, maybe something will shake loose.”

Daniel tilted his head, “You think Hammond will go for it?”

Then Jack grinned and something in Daniel’s stomach warmed at the sight, he figured it was because Jack was about to spring him from the Mountain base, even for a night that would be amazing. He spoke answering Daniel’s feverish prayers, “Go get your jacket, I can show you around the place then we’ll come back later.”

Daniel nodded, closing the mission report and following Jack out to go change into his civvies before they left in Jack’s truck. The drive took about a half an hour and they spent the time in companionable silence, listening to a retelling of some kind of sport that Jack was griping about. He didn’t know enough of the terminology to even guess what they were listening to so he didn’t bother and figured that was probably true before the memory loss since Jack didn’t try to explain anything. They made a couple of turns into a subdivision and then they were at Jack’s place. It was set with the door off to the side of the house, a path leading off in that direction. Daniel looked at Jack while the other man got out of the truck before the late Doctor Jackson followed. Inside Daniel looked around, seeing the living room and the kitchen off to the right on a raised floor with two steps leading up and into it, there were stairs leading up to the bedrooms probably. There was another door through the back of the living room and Daniel fought the urge to open it. He followed Jack up the stairs and turned out there was a bedroom, then a bathroom on the left and the master bedroom to the right. Jack led him into the guest room where there was a bed, a dresser and a desk. It was pretty empty but Daniel walked over to the window and leaned into the sill to stare out into the street, smiling with the thought of not being in the mountain, being in this room and so close to a friend. Maybe Jack was right and this would help jar some memories loose and Daniel could get back to being the person they all remembered from a year ago or at least a little more like him.

“Thanks for this Jack,” Daniel muttered, though he meant ever word.

“There’s some clothes in the dresser, from before though you’ll probably have to have Frasier and Carter drag you out for some more clothes. I am not going shopping, not even for you,” Jack said the last with a chuckle and Daniel turned to smile at him. He didn’t know what to say other than the words he’d already said. They would figure out the rest as they moved forward but this was a step in the right direction.

“You got enough food here for the both of us?” Daniel finally asked, as they turned and walked back downstairs and towards the front door.

“Nah, but we can stop on the way out of the Mountain, I just wanted to get you out before you went bonkers, to let you know there was an option other than going crazy. I do have enough for a couple of sandwiches if you want, have you eaten at all today? I wanted you to know you weren’t going to just stay in the mountain forever. We’ll get you back to the way you were.”

Daniel smiled, wondering again what would happen if it didn’t go back to the way things were. Would he have any purpose or friends without all those things that made him Doctor Daniel Jackson? Instead of continuing down that particular line of thinking, he agreed to the sandwich and they settled in the kitchen for a quick bite before they returned to the mountain. He spent the time looking around the room, getting up and walking over to the mantle to look at some of the pictures there. There was a picture of Daniel with Jack, Sam and Teal’c right in the center of the space. Next to it was a picture of Jack with a young boy and he knew enough about the boy, Charlie, to not ask. Jack was still sitting at the counter, watching him but not stopping so Daniel just smiled a little and continued his mini search. He spotted another picture, just Jack and him in front of a small cabin and he smiled at the look of them. Jack had his arm companionably over Daniel’s shoulder, the other hand pressed into Daniel’s chest and they were both smiling towards the camera. He looked back to Jack, pointed and asked, “Where is this place?”

“Minnesota, its my family cabin. You, Carter and Teal’c have been there a few times. You more than the two of them because they hate going out there with me.”

“But I didn’t?” Daniel asked, curious and grinning at the thought of finding such an oasis to hide in when they lived and worked in the SGC which always seemed so crazed and dangerous.

Jack’s expression faltered, turned into something closer to sadness and inevitability and Daniel was about to ask when he spoke again, “No, you enjoyed the quiet time every once in a while. I would sit on the water and fish for non-existent fish and you would read or bring some translations with you to work on.”

“Can we go there sometime?” Daniel asked enthusiastically, not just because there could be memories to shake loose but to regain the friendship he clearly had with this man and Daniel wanted it back. When he was agreeing to walk towards the Gate with Jack, Sam and Teal’c he’d been worried about the fact that Jack had seemed to pull at him, like gravity but now he just thought it was the close relationship they had once shared.

“Yeah Daniel, we can go the next time SG-1 has a long weekend,” Jack responded and he still had that semi-sad look but Daniel didn’t push for answers, just resettled to finish his meal before they headed back to the mountain.

 

“Hey Daniel,” Sam called from the door and he looked up and smiled, a facial expression that was mostly honest when it was one of SG-1 walking into his office due to the fact they were some of the few people who claimed to have some emotional response inside Daniel when he saw them. Anyone from his department, even Nyan who has been working with Daniel for years wasn’t someone that he could smile for, not really. Sam and Jack and Teal’c, they were who he smiled for and even when they came in there was always this little bit of them that were sad because he wasn’t who he once was.

“Hey Sam,” he responded and looked up again when she kept loitering at the door.  “Are you coming in?”

She nodded and walked through the door, turning to close it behind her.

He frowned, “What’s the matter Sam? Why are you closing the door?” he asked, people rarely shut his door because there was no need but her behavior was very out of character and Daniel’s stomach twisted for some reason, a weird jolt of fear at what she might be doing or might need to say though he didn’t understand the response at all.

She sat down in front of his desk and pressed a short stack of leather bound journals in front of him. “I wanted to give you these. I found them when SG-1 emptied out your apartment. I kept them because they were personal and I didn’t want anyone else to find them. I think you should have them. Not even Jack or Teal’c know about them, luck of the draw that I would find them but there you go.”

“They weren’t with the other journals that Jack saved?” Daniel asked, his head cocked with some unasked question. He read through a lot of his predecessor’s old journals, the ones from Abydos and many of the missions afterward, he thinks that Old Daniel stopped them a couple years before he died but Daniel couldn’t figure out why. He reached out and took the top journal and opened it, recognizing the handwriting as his and he realized these were different, they were very personal and Daniel’s gaze swept back up to Sam’s eyes, “Did you read these?”

“Just enough to realize the nature of them, I kept them just in case you ever came back and honestly I kept them because it was a little piece of you. I didn’t read the rest though, just enough to know what they were.”

Daniel held up his hand, “It’s okay Sam, they were his journals, I’m not angry. I don’t know if I want to read them because it would be like sneaking a peak into his life and I don’t really think of it as mine.”

Sam nodded, looking down at her hands where they were clutched in her lap, as if she was still waiting for some sort of repercussions. Then she spoke, “I scanned for a name, he never said who it was. Just initials from what I saw.”

“So you don’t know who I was involved with?” Daniel whispered.

She shook her head, “It didn’t say a name in the parts I scanned. It didn’t even have dates or places as far as I could tell which is not like you at all, you were a prolific note taker, and you list every detail as best you can as quickly as you can. So the vagueness of the few pages I read, it was as if you were terrified to let anyone you were even with this person. I had no idea you were with someone, I didn’t feel comfortable talking to the Colonel or Teal’c about this so I just took them and put them away somewhere safe.”

Daniel nodded, “Thanks for keeping them for me Sam.”

She nodded and smiled, “We’re here for you Daniel, okay?”

He smiled and watched as she nodded and walked back out of his office. Daniel figured the journals weren’t something he should be reading at the base so he just tucked them into his book bag and planned to look them over in the privacy of the guest room where he’d been staying with Jack for just over a week now. They had settled into a comfortable companionship, Jack was teaching Daniel how to cook again, the things he knew how to do before. Jack would watch the game or listen to the game on the radio while Daniel read or worked on reports. They talked every once in a while but there was nothing to say without Daniel’s memories, so they discussed current missions and what Daniel had found in his translations for other teams but Jack didn’t ask about the past and Daniel didn’t have to pretend that he remembered for a little bit of time every night.

Later that evening after a day of translating and General Hammond calling him into his office to ask if he was still contemplating going through the Gate ever again that Daniel figured he would have to make a choice about that. Hammond couldn’t keep his flagship team benched forever and Jonas was gone, they were hoping Daniel would retake his position on the team but after the one time on that ship and wondering if he was going to live or die, he just didn’t think he wanted to continue going through the Gate, especially since he had no memories to help him navigate the worlds they found out there.

He put aside that decision for the opportunity tonight to learn a little something that his former self had deemed to important to talk about; there was something in these journals, something about him and some person. He’d had someone in his life and that person had not shown up so clearly everything went sideways but there was a huge part of him that still wanted to know what he’d once had with another person instead of hearing second and third hand about Hathor and Shyla and the many ladies who loved to put their hands all over him, with or without his permission. This would be from himself; something secret and he wanted to know. Opening the first journal, he did notice there was no date or anything. He just soaked up the words as they began:

 

_I wish that I could write in here that everything is going splendidly between CJ and myself but it isn’t. We have been together for over a year now and I know that once upon a time I thought I should write out what was happening in a journal just because it would be a way to get it out of my head. I don’t want to ever let him get hurt or in trouble because of me, so I am going to have to just deal with the idea that I can’t even be honest with myself about the relationship we have._

_I love him so much, its hard to breathe with the need to be close to him and it always makes me happy to be in his presence and there is nothing I can do about the rest of it. He was married long before I came along, her initials being USAF and I am just the mistress. Most of the time I’m okay with that and there is nothing more I can do to change it, he won’t leave the military and there is nothing else to it. He loves the fight, we’re needed here and most days I get that. It’s when we bring all that crap home with us, that’s when it’s really hard to deal with. When he’s screaming and I’m screaming back because he thinks he should be in charge no matter where we are and he can’t turn it off and then when he’s fighting and pushing I push back._

_I remember all the fights, all the shit about chain of command and what that has to mean in the field and off the field. I can feel the anger choking me from just the thought of how many arguments come home with us. It makes it so hard to just know that I love him. When he’s treating me like an idiot or worse, a know-it-all about any number of subjects, I understand beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s right about one thing, this thing we have going for us: it could never work without the mission to fall back on when we’re angry or hurt. Sometimes I think that love holds us captive instead of holding us together._

_We might be better off just letting go of each other. But then I think about having that conversation with him, I pull him close for one last hug then one last kiss then one last fuck and it just goes on and on, because I should let go but I can’t._

It was hard to believe that he could have felt so much for someone, Daniel thought as he stopped, putting his finger at the end of the passage where the writing stopped for a second. The man Daniel had been involved with was clearly military and it was something they struggled with. Daniel wondered for another minute who it could be, Jack seemed to be the best guess especially with their close friendship but the man was so blatantly straight that Daniel threw away that possibility just as quickly. He would have to keep an eye out around base to see if there was anything he might have been missing since his return because he didn’t know what to look for. He looked down and continued to read, this time the passage jumped to something else and Daniel had no clue as to when the other man was talking about.

_I remember the first he said ‘I love you’ that moment has been seared into my brain and even now the words come sparingly which isn’t a problem since most of our time is spent in the presence of other people but that moment when he slides inside of me and his forehead presses into my spine and makes that sound, the one that says he is breaking apart and coming back together inside of me, the same sound I make when he starts thrusting. Even after all this time, it wasn’t hard to know that he feels great things for me that we are not supposed to be feeling. The fact that he was courageous enough to share his body, his bed and his love with me despite the risk to his career tells me all the things that those simple three words said only it was all the more poignant._

_When it’s just the two of us, its never a surprise that he loves me, I can feel it in every caress, every kiss and every thrust whether we are angry and just working out some frustration or its all gentle and emotionally shattering. I know why I can never say no to him, I know its because there is nothing out there that’s going to compare to the feeling I have when he’s holding me or we’re having sex. Making love is such a pretty term but even in the midst of this romantic entanglement, I understand that making love is for marriage and public commitment. CJ has been convincing me for a while now that this is something special but it can never be publicly acknowledged and so it’s going to end. I think he thinks its going to end because I am going to get sick of waiting and maybe that’s the case but it won’t be because I found someone else who can touch me, love me and care for me in a way that’s in any way better than how CJ does those things._

_Even now, I think of the first time we had anal intercourse, how it felt when he carefully stroked me open and waited until I was a straining, groaning mess of needs and a desperate desire to be filled then he sank in slowly, a little at a time before his balls touched mine and I couldn’t stop the groan, the almost shouted demand of my body to orgasm but due to the grip I had on myself I was able to hold on for the ride he gave me. This was just the first of many times we have been together and its just gets better with familiarity and love. He gets better day by day and I can start to forget the shit that he pulls at work or the kind of person he is and the fact that we have nothing in common starts to sink into my thoughts and tries to poison what we have._

_Sometimes the sex is enough; the words and the never-ending kindness and intimate moments in the privacy of his house or mine were almost always enough, then I think about the fact that I want him with me every night and every morning. And he won’t be and I can’t ask._

_*          *          *_

_I remember one of the first times I ever experienced more than just the sex and the love in bed with CJ. He’d been in a bad situation and he almost died and I just wanted to be close. He asked me to stay and I said yes. As soon as the door was closed he was on me, he pushed me against the door and took my mouth in a deep and wet kiss, I love when he presses his hand to the side of my neck, he holds me like I mean something and there is nothing I love more than being here with him. CJ is amazing and I am terrified that someday I am going to lose him but in that moment I didn’t have to worry because he was with me._

_Then after the amazing sex, because it was always like that with CJ he just held me and there was nothing else, just gentle kisses against the back of his neck and shoulder, a nose shoved into my throat and a groaning sigh of contentment at our closeness. We had the whole weekend and for the first time it was more than just sex and watching a game on the television. We shared lemonade on the back porch, CJ did the crossword puzzle from the previous Sunday paper and I read a book. It was fun. We built a couple of bookshelves for the den and then he told me it was so I could leave some of my things here. It wasn’t until Sunday evening when we had a candle lit dinner that I realized that he was inviting me into what he was like on the off days, when we weren’t at work so I told him that I loved him and didn’t let on that I knew what he was up to. I didn’t want him to freak himself out, he has a tendency to do that and I wasn’t done enjoying the hell out of him and our time together._

_We went back to work like nothing had happened but there are times when I am shaving and I remember helping him shave so we wouldn’t give each other beard burn that couldn’t be explained away. I remember showering together, reading together and loving each other, they were all things that he would have been sharing with his wife, or a significant other and I realized that no matter how much CJ fought the truth, they were partners in a lot of ways but as long as I didn’t make a big thing out of it, everything could stay the way it was. It wouldn’t have to change and so I am just going to love this time with him and there wasn’t anything in the world that was going to stop me._

_*          *          *_

_Wow when I think there can just be good times between us I normally get a really horrible wake up call about CJ and this time wasn’t any different. He was such a asshole after my mentor died, he wouldn’t go with me, he didn’t want to give me any help, he just wanted to go to the cabin and ignore the world and me for a couple of days and it came as no surprise that he asked her over and over again to go with him, sometimes I wonder why I let myself get caught up in a man who was also in the middle of one of those weird vibes that was never going to become a thing but it was always there in the background and I don’t need this. I try to make sure it never makes my relationship with her strange but it was difficult. I want to claim what is mine but then again, he isn’t mine. Not really. I just have him for a short time and I have to be okay with that. This just happens to be one of those times when I forget that and I don’t know what to think or feel._

_I don’t know where this possessive nature even came from, it makes no sense to me. I have never been possessive with anyone a day in my life, not even Sha’re. There were customs and so on from Abydos where we were both asked to sleep with other people and I knew it was just part of their way of life, the men and women’s evenings and though I had gone to a few, I quickly decided not to continue because it was hard for me to not feel like I was betraying her for enjoying the men’s nights more than I enjoyed the nights with her. There were other women since the Program but not many, and I didn’t care if they continued. People in my past, Sarah Gardner who I lost to Osiris and doesn’t that just take the cake. I failed Sha’re, now I have failed Sarah. I remember the times we were together and I knew she was sleeping with Steven when I became to self-involved. I just asked her to get tested and I would wear condoms which I was doing anyway because I had no interest whatsoever in children at that time, maybe anytime really._

_But I digress, I don’t believe in jealous boyfriend shit, or possessive crap with anyone I am involved with but for him….. I just want us to be together and enjoy the time that we are gifted with around work schedules and saving the world, I don’t want to have to fight for those times but now I feel like I am so I came home instead of going to CJ’s like I had planned when I got off the plane. Janet checked me over, making sure that I was safe to be alone after another dose of the ribbon device to my head but she said I should be fine, so here I am recovering and desperately alone because I couldn’t bear to see him, to be anywhere near him after the shit he pulled._

_Pretty soon he is going to come knocking on the door and I am going to have to keep him out of the house because once he’s in the door, once his mouth is on mine, there would be no going back and if there has been anything I have learned in the time we have been fooling around in this pseudo-relationship is that I am weak for him, I feel everything for him and it means that I have absolutely no power to say no._

_Maybe I should leave, take some time off and just leave. He needs it if he is using her again and maybe I need it because I am not living in the reality again. Sometimes I hate feeling like this, a girl with a crush and knowing that it was bigger than that. This crush could destroy them both and there was more to the world than their times together, it would be in everyone’s best interests if we just went our separate ways._

Daniel had to wonder if he felt this way, what the rest of the journals were for. They must have continued on but maybe he was better off never knowing what person Daniel Jackson had shared his life with, it sounded like they hadn’t been very good for each other. He tucked a bookmark into the page of the journal where he left off, knowing there was more but it was about time for dinner and he wanted to help Jack in the kitchen. It had become one of the highlights in his day, learning about cooking and what Jack thought was worth him time and what wasn’t. Daniel didn’t always agree but the conversations and the lessons were appreciated and fun.

He walked downstairs and found Jack humming something in the kitchen over boiling water, getting ready to throw some noodles into the pot while another one simmered with the makings of spaghetti sauce. Daniel smiled at the sight; the man loved spaghetti almost as much as beer splashed steak.

“Can I help?” Daniel asked as he walked over and washed up at the sink.

“You can set the table, this will be done pretty soon. What have you been up to up there? Normally you hang out down here.”

“I was reading some journals that Sam found of mine. They were about a relationship that I was involved in before my Ascension. It seems like it was ill advised since he couldn’t even mention the man’s name. Did you know anything about it?” he asked outright.

Jack, apparently more shocked than Daniel thought possible, dropped the plate he was holding at it bounced a little on the floor and Daniel flinched at the loud sound. Thankfully it was one of the brands that were good for falling to the ground and not breaking at the first bump. Daniel leaned down and picked it up, placing it in the sink and leaned against the counter with his hands crossed over his chest all the while Jack stood frozen in the face of Daniel’s question.

“So you knew something or you knew nothing and this is shocking to you?” He asked, unsure about the frozen mask he could see on his friend’s face. Jack was completely shut down, sharing nothing but Daniel had seen the second of fear in his eyes when Daniel started asking the question.

“Daniel, I can’t talk about something like that. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell forbids it. We are not supposed to know about any homosexual relationships, they aren’t allowed in the open.”

Daniel nodded, “That would explain the code but if you’re not supposed to know then what the hell was that all about? You were afraid? Are you concerned about the military guy? About this getting out somehow? I don’t even know who it is, how could I tell anyone?”

“Don’t go asking around about this Daniel!” Jack snapped.

Daniel frowned, “He loved this man, I wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt him but clearly it ended badly or the guy decided it wasn’t worth it, from what I’ve read, Daniel had had just about enough sometime after his mentor died.”

Jack pressed his fingers into his eye sockets and scrubbed, “Don’t take those journals on base again, don’t talk about it with anyone but me. Please?”

Daniel shrugged, “As I said, there is clearly nothing more to say. He was contemplating leaving but didn’t think he could. I don’t know what to think about the whole thing besides maybe we are all better off if I never find out who it was but seriously Jack, this is the only place I know that I can be myself, I don’t know if that will remain the same if you have to lie to me about this.”

With that Daniel turned and walked over to the cabinet and started pulling out plates and silverware in turn. He left the kitchen and set the small table for two and wondered if he should start going out, to see if there was more to his attraction with men. Maybe he had a type and he just hadn’t found out what it was because he’d been too busy trying to figure out who he was. Maybe it was time, like Old Daniel seemed ready to do, move on.

Only what would happen to the friendship with Jack, no matter how short of a time Daniel had in his memory banks he didn’t want to lose Jack over this. The Colonel was too important to Daniel so maybe this was one area that Jack didn’t need to know about until there was something to know. He could learn his way around the Springs, maybe go to a couple of bars outside of town, especially since the General was getting his license and car back. So maybe he would just start by learning if he had preferences instead of speculating about the man whose life he didn’t even have. It was time to stop trying to be Old Daniel.


	2. Trying Out New Daniel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel tries something new and ends up with unfavorable results.

It took another week before he got his car back, a Jeep from what Jack had told him, he had a crisp new ID in his wallet and he was ready for a night out. He was leaving on Friday from the base, having finally turned in his permanent reassignment to his Department Head position and he knew that Jack was being told but he was hoping to be out of the Mountain before the Colonel found him. He would just try to talk him out of it and Daniel knew it was what he needed to do.

He wasn’t the Daniel he once was and when everyone started understanding that, they would all be better off. Since the conversation about Daniel’s mystery lover, Jack had been cagey and quiet. He’d been watching Daniel in that Covert Ops kind of way, in Daniel’s opinion anyway, like he was sure Daniel would do something stupid like talk to the wrong problem about the mystery guy but he also had an intense look of sadness as well that he would catch out of the corner of his eye before Jack pulled down that mask of protection he used constantly these days. He didn’t touch Daniel anymore and they talked and cooked but it was all stilted like they had broken a cog in the wheel and hadn’t fixed it yet.

Well sadly, Daniel didn’t think reassignment was going to make anything better but he was ready to move on, even if they weren’t.

He changed into the clothes he brought specifically for this jaunt out of Colorado Springs, some tight black jeans and a dark blue Henley that was form-fitted and when he changed into them in the locker room, he shook off the feeling of wearing someone else’s skin for the moment as he tied his shoes and grabbed the black jacket, not leather because that made him think of Jack and he didn’t want to think about Jack right now.

He couldn’t think about Jack anyway.

Daniel got into his Jeep, started the engine and listened to it in the stillness of the underground parking before he left the mountain and headed towards the edge of the city, there was a bar called “All Kinds” and it really was for all kinds so Daniel easily slid into a parking space in the lot and walked inside, getting a drink at the bar and figured one beer wouldn’t be too much of a problem since he’d had more at Jack’s constantly in the last couple of weeks. His tolerance had always been low according to Jack and the rest of SG-1 but he was willing to risk it since he was so nervous he felt like he was going to vibrate out of his skin. He could always drink a bunch of water or coffee before returning to Jack’s house.

He sipped at the mouth of his beer bottle and twisted around to look around the bar. Daniel sadly didn’t know anything about flirting or looking for the cues of social romantic beginnings and it seemed from the files and the journals that Old Daniel had the same problem. So he just scanned the room, looking for something, anything that called to him. He wondered what he was attracted to, there were women and men here so he could watch and see what happened, make this a study in human interaction just to pull in some enthusiasm that he wasn’t feeling at all.

Once upon a time, Daniel had felt so much for some mystery military man and now he could barely care enough to look around a bar, it was strange and Daniel had no way to understanding what was the matter with him besides the amnesia, and wonder if that was affecting him in ways that they hadn’t even started to wonder about yet.

He felt rather than heard the vibrating ring tone of his new cell phone in his pocket, courtesy of the SGC so he tugged it out of his pocket and saw Jack’s number on the screen, his name and grinning face on the window of the little flip phone. Daniel pressed the little phone symbol and spoke into it, “Hello?”

“Daniel? Where are you?” Jack asked without preamble.

“I am at a bar called All Kinds, I am going to be out for a while, so don’t wait up,” he said, picking up some of the colloquialisms that he should have already known but Jack was good at them so he was learning quickly.

“No Daniel, we have to talk about this reassignment, what are you doing at that bar? Do you know what that bar is? Come home and we can talk about it.”

“No Jack,” Daniel said with a sigh and pressed the knuckles of his other hand, which was still clutching the beer bottle in his hand, against his chest where his heart was thundering strangely. He listened to the frustrated grumble from his ‘friend’ on the little speaker of the phone, “I am getting a life, one that won’t hurt anyone else. You can’t change my mind about the reassignment and this is better for everyone, I should think about moving out as soon as I can find something. I’m sorry that those journals told you something that you can’t deal with but who knows, maybe I’ll meet a nice girl and it won’t be a problem for you, we can go back to trying to be friends again.”

“Goddammit Daniel!” Jack snapped and Daniel closed his eyes as pain pierced at the region of his heart while he hung up, hearing Jack’s angry response doing more harm to him than anything on that one mission ever did. Someone was walking over to him, a man around Daniel’s age with short blonde hair and dark blue eyes, almost grey. He had supple cheekbones and dimples when he smiled, built like a swimmer, something close to Jack in body type but even more slender and Daniel wondered if he ever placed his hands on the man’s hips, would he feel sharp bone, would he feel that on Jack? He wondered at the thought for a second then the man was in next to Daniel, leaning against the bar, with a snifter of hard liquor in his hands. His smile was easy and Daniel returned it, feeling nothing more than curiosity for the moment.

“Hey, I’m Frank, what’s your name?”

“Daniel,” he replied because Arrom wasn’t the name his ID said and he had decided to be New Daniel anyway, it was clear that’s who he was physically even if he wasn’t mentally. He would get used to it, he would regain his name, and he was going to start right now.

“I haven’t seen you in here before, new to the area?”

Daniel shrugged, “I live in the Springs, just came back from a long overseas trip, decided to get out of my house and maybe meet some new people.”

“You work for that military base?” Frank asked with a grin.

“Consultant for the Air Force but yes I work there. I don’t really want to talk about work though.”

Frank grinned wolfishly, “Oh really? Some kind of ‘if I tell you I would have to kill you type thing?”

When Jack said that line it was charming, Daniel thought, now rolling off the tongue of this guy, he shook off the shudder it caused. “Yeah sure,” he responded, wondering if he could now turn away politely. This wasn’t someone he was all that interested in all of a sudden but maybe it was just a weird first impression thing, Daniel didn’t know anything about this part of life.

“What shall we talk about then?” Frank asked while Daniel was trying to figure out what to say.

“Why don’t you start?” Daniel hedged, only problem with not talking about work was there was nothing left to talk about in his mind, except maybe the information he had about other languages in his brain and that was mostly classified since he could only translate Ancient at the moment and he was still trying to think of a way out of the conversation all of a sudden.

“My place is about a ten minute walk, we could just skip the talking for now?” he asked as he moved closer to Daniel and he looked at the other man, ballsy guy but Daniel didn’t know if he hated the idea, didn’t feel anything and he so wanted to feel something so he choked down the unreasonably uncertainty. Frank reached out and pressed a finger to Daniel’s chest and he shivered at the contact, unsure about the reaction but willing to see how it played for a little while longer. He kept watching Frank’s eyes as the other man’s finger slid down his chest and rubbed along the edge of Daniel’s belt buckle and he sucked in, trying to get the hand a little farther away from him. Frank’s eyes were too blue; Daniel didn’t like it so he gripped the man’s hand and pushed it away.

Frank smirked, but there was an edge to it now, “You think I’m not your type or something? Not what you’re looking for? What are you doing here if not cruising for some guy?”

Daniel shook his head, unsure of how to answer. He didn’t know what he was doing here all of a sudden. He drinks the rest of his beer too quickly, turned around and ordered another and drank a third of it while he waited to see if Frank would lose interest. He didn’t know anything that his body was capable of, he was strong but he didn’t even know how to make a fist if the guy was really upset and he wondered why he’d been so desperate to do this alone, why hadn’t he asked Jack to come with him? He could have played wingman while Daniel relearned how to respond to social cues. He could have asked someone instead of coming out here like a child out of his parents for the first time, not that he remembered his parents Daniel thought miserably.

He drank another pull from the beer and Frank was still nattering on in his ear, telling him to give him a chance, the warm alcohol soaked breath slithering along the edge of his ear and Daniel pulled away and walked towards the door after throwing down a tip and leaving the rest of his beer there. He jerked and tugged the phone from his pocket and called Jack’s house since it was number two on the redial but it kept on ringing and ringing. Why wasn’t Jack picking up the phone, he wondered as he dragged his keys out of his pocket, weaving just enough to throw him off balance. Then he felt as the body slammed into him from the side and he bounced off the side of his Jeep and he groaned at the creak of his ribs against the hard surface. Then Frank was pressing him into the side of the Jeep, his hips pushing into Daniel’s and his hands pressing his throat back so he was spread across the side just between the tire well and the door. Daniel struggled, wondering if he would have the chance to ask Jack and Teal’c to teach him self-defense after all. He wouldn’t need it to go off world but he hadn’t known that trying to figure out what he liked could start out so violently. Though Old Daniel had once had the shittiest of luck as well, too bad he seemed to have inherited it along with his body and life.

Frank’s alcohol soaked spittle was flying in Daniel’s face as his spoke, “You think you’re too good for me. You think you’re something special because of your work or something?”

Daniel shook his head, “Just not interested. You’re not helping your case.”

Frank slammed him backwards again and Daniel felt the twinge along his upper back and he was barely getting enough oxygen, his head already a little blurry because of the beers but now his vision was graying towards the edges as his hands grappled with Frank’s fingers around his throat. He tried to ignore the hard line of flesh along his thigh, knowing what it was and not wanting it anywhere near him.

Daniel wondered for a second if Jack had ever answered the phone, was he hearing this right now? Would he know to come find him, at least confirm when he was killed in this stupid bar parking lot because he wanted to find someone else, someone less complicated than Jack.

Jack, with his smirking face and his cut figure and that laugh that got to Daniel’s insides and made him smile in return.

Jack, what? He was looking for someone who wasn’t Jack. That didn’t make any sense, the Colonel was a friend, Daniel’s best friend and that was all it was but he couldn’t help but try to call out to the phone, wherever it was at the moment. It was probably on the ground, maybe broken but he gasped out anyway, “Jack help me.”

“Daniel!” Jack shouted from far off and Daniel smiled, at least Jack would get to say goodbye for real this time, he thought as he started to slump on the side of the Jeep then nothing was holding him up and he was on the ground, coughing at the instant pull of oxygen into his abused lungs and down the aching throat. He blinked and tried to open his eyes when he heard grunting and groaning, shouting and cursing. He heard several thuds, sounding like the ridiculous tv sounds when someone was fighting while Daniel wondered why there was a television in the parking lot and didn’t know what he thought anymore.

He pressed a hand to the side of his aching head, righting his glasses in the process. Then blinked his eyes open, trying to get them to clear of the blurry vision from before just in time to see someone punch Frank and the man hit the ground. Daniel’s unknown protector then cuffed Frank and rushed over to Daniel and finally came into focus for Daniel as Jack reached out and touched the side of his neck, being extremely careful with the contact.

“Jack?” Daniel questioned, wondering if he was seeing things as he reclaimed the use of his throat for breathing, even Jack’s one syllable name was hard to get out past the croak.

“Daniel? Can you stand? I am going to get you into my truck then come back for this shit! The MP’s are on the way but I need you to stay with me here okay? We will get you some help as soon as I can, okay? Just stay focused on me.”

Daniel nodded since he figured it was the thing to do, then Jack was helping him to his feet and they were moving, well he kept drifting from side to side but Jack was kind about it. And it took forever! Jack kept urging him another foot forward and he would sway, after a while wishing he had the air to whine that Jack should just leave him alone but Daniel still couldn’t seem to get enough air to say anything. Then he was being bundled into Jack’s truck, the smell as familiar as Daniel’s own scent so he just laid his head back on the head rest and waited.

He barely felt when the truck started moving but Jack started talking to him, his voice a comforting background noise in the confusion of white noise and pain. He felt the hand gripping his and that request to stay with him and what else could Daniel do but listen.

 

“You need to stay with him, Colonel. This wasn’t like a lot of Daniel’s close calls but he’s never had a close call before and he’s still not himself. What was he doing out there by himself?”

Daniel could hear the voices, didn’t know what they meant and barely understood the words. He knew the voice though, Janet Frasier and he wanted to open his eyes and let her know that he was just fine, just a little headache. All he needed was some of that Aspirin that Jack always had on hand for him and he would be ready to go back to work.

“He’s a grown man Doc, I can’t put a leash on him!” Jack hissed at her.

“Maybe you should consider it—at least for a little while,” Janet returned and Daniel tried to open his eyes, tried to speak up in his own defense but he thought back to the man who didn’t like being rebuffed and Daniel being completely incapable of fighting back because he was in a man’s body but there were some things that he just didn’t know how to do. He couldn’t read people anymore, he couldn’t tell his own story and it had freaked him out, and then Frank had responded like people who drink can respond sometimes and Daniel had no idea how to deal with it. Janet continued, “He doesn’t know anything he needs to know to live on his own right now. Just stay with him until he wakes up and then we’ll figure out what the next step is but I am going to request that he take some time off and relearn some basics. Sam and Teal’c have asked for some time, which you can discuss with the General but I think you need to be there for your friend.”

“Got it Doc,” Jack said, his voice more resigned than anything.

It took a ridiculous amount of time before he could open his eyes, blinking and looking over to where there was a blurry form sitting next to him in an infirmary chair. “Hey Jack, I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice hoarse and almost unrecognizable to himself.

Jack grumbled something but Daniel couldn’t tell what it was, then there were his glasses dangling in front of him so he slipped them on, grateful when his friend’s face came into focus. “Hey Danny,” Jack grunted as he leaned forward and pressed a fingertip to the edge of his chin, tilting it up just a little to look at something before he pressed his hand to the top of Daniel’s head in a friendly ruffling of his hair that turned into a caress.

“Infirmary?” he asked, the word taking three times as long to say with various clearing of the throat or coughing which caused an echo of pain in his abdomen.

“Yup, just until you are awake and ready to head back to the house. We can talk there, well actually you are going to listen while I talk for a little while because last night should have never happened.”

Daniel nodded and they were all left to wait. Janet returned and checked him over again then sent them both on their way. Janet left and Daniel sat up, letting Jack help him out of the scrubs he was wearing, sliding back into pants and a shirt, jacket then socks and shoes. It took too long and Daniel could feel himself weakening again, from putting on his clothes. He steeled his resolve that he would get out of here with Jack and they left the infirmary. Janet forced him into a wheelchair and though Daniel would never admit it to either of them, he was grateful for it as they wheeled down to the parking and up next to the truck.

Jack helped him up into the cab and Daniel was left there shaking and breathing heavily. When Jack came around and opened the driver side, Daniel turned and winced a little at the stretch of his abused neck.

“My…Car?” he asked slowly.

“Already back at the house, not that you are going to be driving for at least a couple of days. The guy did a number on your ribs and kidney, threw a couple of punches and slammed you into the front of the jeep. Now let’s just get back to the house before we talk.”

Daniel just nodded, letting himself doze while Jack drove, they arrived to the house and Jack parked beside the jeep in his driveway. Daniel waited until Jack walked around and opened the door, helping him from the cab then they walked slowly to the door and then they were inside and Jack was walking him to the living room and the couch that awaited him there. Daniel sank into the cushion happily, and let Jack drag off his shoes and he wondered for another second if he was still wearing the clothes from the other night, its possible that they had to cut off the Henley which was too bad, it had been nice to wear something other than loose fitted t-shirts and checkered shirts or the bulky BDU’s of the mountain, maybe he could go get another one or ask Sam to do it for him.

“How’s the pain Danny?” Jack asked gently.

“S’fine,” he whispered, glad that his ability to speak was coming back a little at a time. It didn’t burn as much as when he first woke in the infirmary. His lower back was still hurting but he wasn’t in need of anything at the moment.

Jack grumbled again but just settled somewhere in front of Daniel, so he lifted his head from the couch back and stared at his friend. Jack was staring at him, worry written in his features, the little wrinkles on the outside of his eyes were more pronounced as the brackets around his lips were as well. There was also a slight shimmer to his eyes, like he was attempting to hold back the need to weep but that wasn’t Jack, he was the Colonel Jack, Daniel thought of the nickname with a smile. He wondered if Jack would hate it.

Colonel Jack…? He thought again, frown coming over his face as the medicated haze lifted just enough for one single thought to come through.

CJ? As in the code from Old Daniel’s journal.

“Shit,” he exclaimed quietly.

Jack spoke, replying to his curse though Daniel was sure he was responded to something other than the thought he was having at the moment, “Daniel, what happened to you, I am so sorry.”

“Shit shit shit,” Daniel repeated at the terrifying realization. Jack was apologizing for something but he was to busy wondering how or why this man had allowed them to live together, to try and have a friendship when they had possibly been so much more and clearly Jack regretted it. He didn’t want Daniel as anything more than a friend, but it would explain Jack’s reaction when Daniel was reading the journals which he’d stopped reading for the most part, he hadn’t wanted to know anymore about Old Daniel’s relationship but now maybe he should because Daniel understood one thing beyond a shadow of doubt.

He was interested in Jack O’Neill and he’d been trying to hide that from himself by going to the bar. Look how that turned out.

“Daniel? What’s wrong?” Jack asked a little desperately.

“CJ?” Daniel whispered before he had a chance to pull back the words.

“What?” Jack demanded and Daniel realized that it was quite possible that he didn’t know anything about Daniel’s code in the journal but he did know it was about him.

“I won’t tell anyone Jack, I would never hurt you like that,” Daniel responded and watched as something clicked for Jack and he sat back a little, still seated on the foot stool in front of Daniel on the couch. Daniel wanted to reach out and touch him, taste him even and decide if it was indeed worth all the chaos and stress that Old Daniel had only just started talking about in the journal but he couldn’t. He wasn’t Old Daniel, he was someone new and if Jack had wanted him to know about their relationship then he would have told him and he didn’t.

“CJ as in Colonel Jack? That’s the code that Daniel used in the journal?” Jack whispered, leaning forward again towards Daniel, making his heart trip into high gear and causing some flaring of pain down his side.

He just nodded.

“Well damn,” Jack returned and leaned down to press his head into his hand, pressing painfully down on his kneecap creating a divot of space around the elbow. “Now you know, well you know a little bit but maybe we should talk about what the hell happened at the bar first.”

Daniel shrugged, he wasn’t going to ask anything of Jack, and he had no right since he wasn’t the man he was. He wasn’t the man that Colonel Jack loved; he was just a shell of the man, an empty shell that would have to be filled again slowly over time in this world. Asking Jack to be anything more than friends would be cruel for them both, uneven and painful. Daniel would never know if Jack was waiting for Old Daniel’s return and Jack would continue to be disappointed.

“You decided to go to a bar, where you could get picked up but either men or women after work? You had a beer and then…?”

“Then I met someone and he wasn’t the right guy, and I rebuffed him, poorly I might add since I have never turned anyone down in the short time I’ve been around this time. He became angry and attacked me in the parking lot. I was there trying to figure out what my type was, what I might like, since I hadn’t felt anything for anybody except…”

“Except?” Jack asked as he raised a brow in question.

“There’s something here Jack, not love because I don’t know anything about love but I realized that I might want you, so I went to find someone else especially after the way you responded to the journal. I didn’t know it was you from the journals until about a minute ago but I realized while I was being choked that I wanted you and couldn’t have you. That’s okay anyway because I’m not him anyway and I might not know much of anything but I know what kind of idiotic risk the both of you were taking by being together.”

“Daniel,” Jack whispered, exasperation heavy in his voice.

“No Jack, I couldn’t fight the guy off, I don’t know anything I should know. I am not Daniel and it’s possible that it he is never coming back. I need to figure out to be this Daniel, not the old one.” He spit it all out as if terrified it would crawl back down his throat unsaid and now that it had bee said, he wished he could take some of it back.

“You said just a couple weeks ago that you might like to go to the cabin with me, you still interested? You could recuperate, I can teach you some basics as you heal and we can see who this new Daniel is because I am guessing that there is a bit of him in you. Maybe forcing it is making everything harder, time for some full on vacation days away from the mountain and everyone staring at you, waiting for you to be something else.”

“You would be there, staring and waiting. What would it matter anyway Jack? You clearly didn’t want to pick up where you and he left off otherwise you wouldn’t have left me to figure it out on accident and you wouldn’t have pulled away when I talked to you about the journals.” Daniel wanted to wrap his arms around himself but knew it would just cause more pain so he just left his hands at his side, fists clenched and waited.

“Daniel, I had no idea you would ever feel the same again and honestly I just wanted you back anyway I could have you, friend and housemate if that’s all there would ever be. I missed you so much while you were gone, I died over and over again because you were gone, and I wished over a thousand times that we had been together in the end but you had pulled away, we were fighting a lot and circling the drain.”

“So the thing you always predicted happened to the two of you then?” Daniel asked waspishly.

“Don’t give me that shit Daniel, you left me just as much as I let you go.”

“He always loved you, I don’t need his memories to know that much,” Daniel whispered and sat back against the soft cushions of the couch and waited for Jack to say what he would. Though at this point Daniel didn’t even know what he wanted the man to say, he just wanted them to go back to the little piece of comfort and home they had before he mentioned the journals.

“Come with me to the cabin and we can start trying to make sense of this?” Jack asked and Daniel finally nodded.

“Fine but can I sleep now?” he asked and Jack nodded, helping him up to his bedroom and into bed. Jack helped him out of the pants, leaving him in his shorts and shirt and Daniel fell asleep in a haze of drugs and exhaustion, the only reason he could sleep at all was the idea that Jack was in the next room and he wasn’t going to leave him alone.


	3. Our First Vacation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel and Jack's first day at the cabin

Getting time off to go to the cabin was easier than Daniel had imagined was possible. General Hammond was giving Sam some time at Area 51; Teal’c was doing some work with the Jaffa rebellion, and building up their nation. Jack would be covered while they were gone and Daniel was no longer on an active Gate team and his Department was very good at leaving what they couldn’t figure out on Daniel’s desk, they had even done it in the year was ascended.

They made travel plans and less than a week after the altercation in the bar, Jack was pushing open the door to the cabin and looking around while Daniel took in the sights. He hadn’t really been out of the mountain at all since his fall from grace with the Ancients, he’d been on one other planet and several ships while people were trying to find and kill him. Seeing the little cabin tucked into the wildlife was an extreme difference from the world he’d come to recognize as his. He rubbed his hands along the wooden walls and breathed in the scent of nature and Jack, it clearly smelled like Jack under the staleness of the air but he figured that would fade with them opening up the windows and airing it out which was Jack’s first piece of business in the small place.

There was a central room with a small bedroom off to the side and a kitchen off to the other with a bathroom between the two. There was a large bed in the main bedroom as well as several couches in the large living area. Daniel did some research about this kind of set up, easiest to heat when there was only a fireplace though Jack had been very clear about it having been updated. The fireplace wasn’t the only source of heat anymore but it was warm enough that they would only need the extra heat in the evening though Daniel was intrigued by the thought of sitting in front of the fireplace.

Daniel dropped his bag on the couch and walked over to the mantel and found a lot of the same pictures that had been at the house only more so, more of Jack and Daniel, happy and together. There were team photos but Daniel wondered if this was a sanctuary for Jack and his lover once upon a time and he wondered if it was okay that he was infringing on it now. He wasn’t Daniel, and this might be more than Jack could deal with but he would let the other man make the rules here.

“How are you with all this?” Daniel asked Jack as he touched another picture of Daniel sitting next to a tree with Jack sitting next to him looking annoyed. Actually both men looked unhappy there, though not every picture could be happy, but it made him wonder why it was portrayed here with the others.

“How am I with you being here on earth in the physical plane or you being here in the cabin?” Jack asked for clarity.

Daniel shrugged, shoving his hands into his pockets because he didn’t know what else to do with them and the urge to fidget was annoying, “Both I guess.”

Jack smiled a little, “I know you don’t believe this right now Daniel because you don’t have the memories that make up Doctor Daniel Jackson but you are him. You chew on the tip of your pen like he did when he was stuck on a translation; you are still a light weight and when you smile all I can think is thank god your home. I don’t know what to do about all this right now but I am glad you are home, with or without memories.”

“And in the cabin?”

Jack looked around, “This was our place, a place we could just be Jack and Daniel but it was always my home anyway. While you were away I came here as often as I could and I sat here and wondered about where you were and missed you every goddamned minute of every day so please don’t worry about me because seriously, I’m good.”

“What if I never remember? The work and us? What if I never remember any of it?” Daniel asked, scared because it was the first time he’d allowed himself to say that out loud and wonder if it was going to happen even though part of him preferred it. Could all of them, he included, be okay with never being their Daniel?

“Honestly I don’t know Daniel, maybe this is an opportunity to just make some different decisions, its wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that you once had a hard life, some painful things and there’s nothing of that now, maybe you can make some choices based on who you learn you are now instead of what other people think you need to do because you are supposed to be him.”

“And yet here I am, with you? Aren’t I just making the same decision over again? I can only work for the SGC and all I want is you in my life, those aren’t differences. How can I make different choices if my body just wants the same thing and I read some of the journals, you guys were circling the drain, you said it yourself. How would picking back up make a difference? Are you different? I am just a blank slate with feelings and no reasoning for them.”

Jack just shrugged and he wasn’t angry or frustrated, just listening and Daniel wondered why. He didn’t understand why Jack was here with him in this cabin if they weren’t going to make another go of their previous relationship and how would he ever know that Jack wouldn’t at some point get fed up with waiting for him to be Old Daniel again?

“You still think too much in your head. You can talk to me Daniel. I spent so long in the last year wishing you were here so I could talk to you, so you could talk to me and now you’re here and you’re still just talking to yourself.”

“You didn’t answer any of the other questions,” Daniel replied with a mini smirk, “I don’t know if I want to give you any others.”

“I didn’t answer because I don’t know what to say. I said nothing to you about our relationship because I didn’t want to take advantage of you, of the situation; I just wanted you to know you were cared for here and at the SGC, that you were something special to more than just me. But you were something special to me.”

“And yet?” Daniel asked.

“And yet, we were who we were, we were fighting a lot near the end. He was pulling away and I was letting him, I believed that it was the inevitable conclusion to our love affair because we were men and it was never going to work and I don’t know if I think any differently now. It didn’t stop me from loving him but I didn’t fight it. I made a promise to myself while I was sitting at Charlie’s grave about three months into your Ascension, I promised myself that if I ever got another chance, that I would fight hard to keep you. But I won’t start anything unless you say the word.”

“And if I say the word? Will you treat me like blown glass? Like a child? Will you understand that memory or no memories; I get to make my own choices? That I am a grown up?”

“Daniel!” Jack exclaimed all innocence and confusion. The younger man just crossed his arm, and raised an eyebrow at the Colonel who at least had the humility to look chagrined. “Okay I earned that, we have all been treating you differently and I can’t make any over arcing promises now. Without your memories, you are different and it’s going to take all of us some time to realize different doesn’t mean weak or wrong. The sooner I teach you some of the self-defense techniques the better, then things like the bar will be less likely to happen.”

“Damn straight,” Daniel muttered in response and Jack walked over to Daniel and smiled.

“Can I hug you Daniel? I have just missed you so goddamned much and we used to have casual touching down to a science but I haven’t wanted to push you since you got back. Now that you know, its even more dangerous for us to be touching so that’s sadly not going to change but now when we’re here in our place, please?”

Daniel nodded and leaned into Jack as the other man pulled him close. Daniel sighed and pressed closer, Jack’s hands tightening on his back and neck as he muttered nonsensical words to the side of Daniel’s head. He pressed his nose into Jack’s neck and grunted unintentionally at the rightness of this. Jack holding him, that’s what Daniel had been waiting for all these weeks since they came back from Vis Uban and suddenly he was Daniel Jackson, there was no magical reclamation of his memories but for the first time he felt at home in his skin and his life. It all seemed to make sense again and he took a moment to worry about the codependence that it represented before he pushed it away and just held on for dear life to the life vest in the middle of the ocean of his mind. His hands somehow found their way around Jack’s shoulders and gripped his shirt, scrunching the fabric in his fists and he didn’t know how long they stayed like that, could have been minutes or days but when they pulled away Daniel was left dumbstruck with the peace left behind.

Then Jack patted him on the side of the neck, grinned and stated, “Let’s get settled and have some dinner. I would love to show you around the property again, it’s been a long time.”

Daniel rolled his eyes and ignored the fact that he hadn’t ever been here, that was Old Daniel but Jack knew that, it would prove nothing to speak again about it. There would be plenty of time to talk later.

 

Later that evening, the two men walked around the edge of the property, having come far enough away that they could barely see the lights from the cabin and Daniel kept looking back, wondering if they would be able to find their way.

“It’s fine Danny, I know this place like the back of my hand,” Jack exclaimed as he admired the back of his hand, picking at his cuticles for a second then buffing them on his chest. Daniel smiled at the man and wondered what had happened at the end that would tear Jack and him apart, what had been out of sync for the two of them because in the time that he’d been back there were a lot of times especially when Daniel moved in with Jack, that he wondered why they had always acted as though they had been domesticated together and now he knew. They had been lovers and probably spent a goodly portion of their downtime together. Jack had hidden it well but it was there for the seeing if someone knew what to look for, he wondered again how they got away with it for years because he’d heard a few of the wild rumors about Jack being involved with various members of SG-1, also Janet and General Hammond which was just strange but people talked about the flagship team like they were super stars and so they also had plenty of cannon fodder for rumors but people were either being willfully ignorant or Jack and Old Daniel had been much better keeping a lid on things at the base.

“What are you thinking about?” Jack asked gently as they continued walking. Daniel kept his eyes downcast, making sure he didn’t step on anything that was going to trip him in their path. He took a second to wonder if Jack was this inquisitive before Daniel’s ascension. He doubted it.

“I was wondering if everyone at the SGC was just letting the two of you carry on or if you and Old Daniel were more subtle on base?”

Jack frowned at him, “Are you remembering something or just talking about now?”

“Now,” Daniel whispered, “When we moved in together, we were so domesticated and it worked for us and I was wondering if you guys were like that before?”

Jack shrugged, “We did the best we could to keep it out of the SGC and we had ways to keep people from suspecting but more than once we brought the Colonel and Doctor Jackson home with us,” Jack winced, “It caused a lot of our fights, I needed the rules and regs to be okay in my own skin, it was a defense mechanism that had been beaten and bred into me. What I was doing with Daniel called that into question and it made me angry and bitter sometimes, I took it out on him more than once. Daniel just wanted to be close and share something with me; I didn’t know how to do that. I just knew I loved him and wanted to share what I could with him as long as he continued to let me. I know what I was and what I am. I am hard-ass Colonel Jack O’Neill, divorced from my wife and father to a dead son. He wanted to be with me and I squandered that away but I won’t do it again.”

“But there were rules to what you did and didn’t do?” Daniel asked, pulling them back to the previous discussion, he didn’t think that Jack was trying to babble about other things, he’s just been hiding what they were to each other on his own for so long, he needed someone to talk to about it.

Jack scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck, “Yeah, no funny business on the base, nothing on other planets because we were on duty, which we only kind of broke once maybe twice.”

“Kind of?” Daniel asked with a chuckle, “How do you kind of break that rule?”

Jack turned and stared at Daniel, a small smile playing around the edges of his lips, “We were trapped on a planet for a while, I almost lost him then but we talked so much about so many things there, we slept side by side but never got naked. We actually had a relationship on that planet and when we came home, it all started to unravel, so slowly that I didn’t catch it until it was too late then he was dying and I was left with nothing but my pride and my respect for him. I never told him…”

Daniel reached out and pressed a hand to the side of Jack’s neck and pulled him close for another hug, “I bet you anything that he knew.” Daniel couldn’t help but love this freedom to touch or hug Jack if he wanted to, as long as they were here and he had no intention of moving past anything that two close friends might do.

Jack smiled into the side of Daniel’s neck; he felt the movement of his lips and wondered if Old Daniel had always felt a shiver in his stomach when that happened. He didn’t know though and he figured it was time to stop reading the journals even though he hadn’t made it through most of them and remember that he’s not here for Old Daniel or Jack even; he was here to find out what he wanted to do with his life.

He coughed a little and pulled back from Jack, smiling as he asked, “Were you this open with him?”

Jack’s eyes went sad and Daniel had his answer before he even spoke, “No. I chose when to ask questions and get into his life which was a rarity. You like to play your hand close to the vest and I just didn’t ask or question the silence. It was the coward’s way out and I am willing to come at this differently, even if you are only ever my best friend.”

Daniel nodded, “Well I appreciate it so far though I feel I need to tell me that you don’t owe me anything. I don’t remember anything and this has to be a fresh start for both of us, not some need to absolve yourself through me. I can’t get a message to Old Daniel, I don’t even think any part of him is coming back, not the memories and all the stuff because of the memories. I don’t even have the knowledge that my degrees represent.”

Jack nodded, “I think you are more you than you ever were, weighed down by the pain of you life but I am not here for absolution, I am here because I loved him and I care for you. I can’t separate him from you because I think you’re still him just without the memories.”

“Daniel Jackson Light?” he asked with a smirk.

Jack chuckled, “Sure thing Danny,” he said and they headed back to the cabin. The rest of the evening was spent in the main area of the cabin, watching some old recorded hockey games, Jack was clearly a fan of the sport. Daniel didn’t see the appeal, he got up and moved around the walls, looking through the books on the shelf and looked to Jack for permission.

“Do I look like someone who is reading a book about the fall of Rome? It belonged to Old Daniel, you are welcome to them.”

“You kept them all?” Daniel asked with a smile.

Jack looked away, hiding his embarrassment, “Not all of them, mostly I kept the ones from the apartment and my place because he wrote in those, theories and so on. There were a few that he just ranted in the side columns and I enjoyed reading the words he left behind for himself. I brought them here, we can take them back when we leave.”

Daniel shook his head, “I like that they’re here, in the place that belonged to the two of you.”

Jack nodded then went back to watching his game while giving Daniel the occasional side-eye which Daniel ignored. They didn’t know what was going to happen but today as Daniel settled down next to Jack on the couch again, thrilled when the man left his hand over the top of the couch where it could ruffle his hair at any moment and he went back to reading it was good for the first time since he landed in a naked heap on Vis Uban.

“Jack?” he whispered, not knowing what he was asking, just that he wanted to say the man’s name.

“Yeah Daniel?” Jack returned, looking out of the corner of his eye at Daniel in response.

“I like it here,” he husked, then calming went back to reading his book. He could feel Jack smiling, wondering how that was possible but then Jack’s hand gripped the back of his head gently and ruffed his hair a bit before returning to the game once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, trying something new for this Jack/Daniel, giving them time to relearn each other and Daniel to learn himself. I don't want this to be a story where Jack took him up on the offer to soon. Though I dig those stories alot. haha


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